Comfort Me
Comfort seems to be scarce these days. I don’t mean the cozy couch or soft sweater type, I mean the heart stuff – the love and safety from a good hug. The warm aftermath from a good cry and sympathetic ear. The deep seated need to know that everything will be ok when it seems like the world is imploding. That kind of comfort. I don’t know if comfort is elusive due to the fact I don’t want to admit or show vulnerability often or if it’s the cultural discomfort with negative emotions both in and out of the church. I really don’t know. But where or how does one find comfort? Is it even out there at all…
I know where to find shows to binge, meds to buy, exercise routines to try. I know which friend or family member to call – but God? Where does He fit in? Jesus says that we are blessed when we mourn because we will be comforted. I have at times felt comforted by what I’d call the presence of God; but, my personal experience is that the mourning side of the equation is much more common. I’d really like it if things balanced out more. Or maybe it’s just me. My comfort receptors are broken or something.
Perhaps some of the disconnect is due to the messaging I heard so frequently in conservative Christianity – don’t trust your heart, it’s wicked! Don’t be ruled by your emotions or feelings. Hold firmly to the truth. Repeat it to yourself until you feel it. This may work for some people but it has not helped me much. I have found this approach to comfort encourages me to divorce myself from my heart – the place where both my pain and my comfort receptors are. The end result of that is numbness…or binge eating chocolate. I don’t believe the comfort Jesus is offering to those who mourn is an intellectual exercise. I don’t believe shutting off our emotions or quoting Scripture like mantras are the solution. Thankfully God does not seem to have the same hang ups we do when it comes to hearts and feelings.
The psalms are full of lament, despair and anger. I particularly like Psalm 88 these days. Spoiler alert - in Psalm 88 there is no happy ending, instead the final verse reads:
“you have taken from me friend and neighbour – darkness is my closest friend” (v. 18).
There is some serious mourning happening here. In fact, the psalmists even blames God for his circumstances – “you have put me in the lowest pit, the darkest depths. Your wrath lies heavily on me; I am overwhelmed” (Ps. 88:6-7). That brings me to another personal comfort blocker. How do I trust God and seek comfort from Him when He may be the source of my affliction? Or at least be the one allowing the suffering. Somehow the son of Korah who penned this heart cry considers God someone who can both afflict and save him. This is fascinating and complicated stuff and I have no answers.
I do know I love comforting my children. It’s such an honour to wipe tears and bestow kisses, hugs and bandages. I’m sure God feels the same way. What I can’t explain is why my head can know this but my heart doesn’t always seem to agree. I’m told God’s a father and I’m his child – maybe that’s another part of the issue. The God I hear about is mostly male. The Bible clearly tells us that God made us in His image – male and female (Genesis 1:27). Maybe that’s part of the solution – learning to believe in and trust the nurturing, care giving side of God. The mother heart. The God who is near to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit (Psalm 34:18). The God who gently leads those who have young and carries lambs close to his heart (Isaiah 40:11). The God who is in touch with and unashamed of emotions and doesn’t tell me to repress my grief or anger but calls me blessed when I mourn.
I wish Jesus’ statement in Matthew 5 was more tangible to me. I want to experience and know God’s comfort more often. I do have faith that that comfort is out there and I will find it – even when my searching leads me to the pantry and the chocolate chips.
-Julianna Christensen
Photo by Rebecca Peterson-Hall on Unsplash